shaking my resolve

last night i was in a dinner where i think i have very convincingly put to rest whatever questions remain on the direction the current situation is going to take.

then today i hear mass and the priest's homily off-tangently touches on broken vows.  ouch!

i thought i had it all down pat.  now i am not quite sure...

through a child's eyes

my 9-year old niece was playing chess with her playmate.

she asked her brother, "pag chineck ba ako ni pauline nu'ng parang boobs puwede ko siya kainin?"

my nephew replied, "bishop!  oo, puwede."

ha-ha-ha

peach rose

i dreamt about a former suitor last night. i haven't even been thinking about him (the last time i saw him was before i got married) and suddenly he appears in my dream. i was trying to figure out what possibly could have triggered this and the only thing i could come up with is that a batchmate from japan called me last sunday and this guy took graduate studies in japan. seems like a stretch but... whatever.

anyhow, the dream brought back a lot of memories. before i proceed, i'd like to say i am sure the guy is not on friendster -> not his type.

the first time i met him was in graduate school (in the philippines, not in japan). so it was the first day of class and we were classmates in one subject. after our class, i went to the university shopping center and there i bumped into him. only when he was already courting me did he tell me that he actually followed me to the place. huh? huh! : )

it is from this guy i first heard, "kung gusto, may paraan; kung ayaw, may dahilan." he dropped me that line one time he was asking me out and i was begging off, ha-ha

and then, before he went to japan, he reappeared at the house after a long absence and when i asked what brought him back, he replied with, "yayayain sana kitang magpakasal."

i was like, "huh!!!??? di ba dapat girlfriend muna bago kasal?!"

another time he came back from japan, he called the office asking me out. i said i can't as i was already getting married in a few months. at the other end of the line, i could feel his shock as he kept muttering, "bakit???!!!"

and the first and only time i ever saw my husband flare up, it was because of him. i was already married for quite a while and one time i casually told my husband, "du'n sa e-mail ni _____ ...."

i wasn't able to finish the sentence anymore -> from 0 to 100 in a fraction of a second, my husband flared up, angrily asking, "nag-e-e-mail pa ba kayo ng _____ na 'yan?!"

i said yes, explaining there's nothing wrong with it.

my husband, in what was already a calm but nevertheless rather firm tone, told me he doesn't like it.

the dutiful wife that i was, i abruptly cut off communication with the guy, someone who's been in my life ten years before i even met my husband. (uh-oh, sorry, friends. i go by priorities. if my man does not like you, i'm going to drop you. i'm thinking you'd understand if i choose my man over you. but i doubt my man would understand if i choose my friends over him...)

most notable:

i do pray a lot but i'm not really the type to ask God for signs. true, i've often decided by signs, but these are either signs i did not explicitly ask for or ones i propose to myself. the former, something's up and all i pray for is discernment. the latter, trivial ones like, i'd say if upon walking out the door, i see a girl, then i'd go to this place. if it's a boy, i'd go home : }

one of the rare times i actually prayed to God for a sign, come to think of it, the only time i could recall i did, i asked Him to give me a sign as to which suitor should be my choice. the sign i asked for was a peach rose. i've received red, pink and white roses but no one has ever given me any of the other colors. (not that i like flowers; actually, i don't. at least, not the ones that have already been picked. i'd rather have them on the ground, planted.)

now, this guy has regularly been giving me red roses. within days after i asked God for a sign, he shows up at the house with peach roses!!! i was stunned! i ask him how come his roses were peach. he said the seller ran out of red. imagine!!!

i should have taken my cue from there but i faltered, thinking, personality-wise, we really didn't seem a match. i've actually told him this before and he simply replied that he'd be the one to adjust (aw, sweet!). i thought that would be hard for him so i declined.

all the time that he was courting me, the guy was actually my crush. a schoolmate was telling me many others had a crush on him as he was tall, dark and handsome. the thing is, i couldn't see us as a couple. he was too serious for shallow, little me. granted i make it a point to do my share to make the world a little better somehow but, unlike him, i don't really enjoy discussing the world economy and stuff in my spare time. i cringe at the thought my life would be too serious and too dry, my activities, too restricted, if i end up with him : }

i asked for a sign and i didn't heed it.  times like this, i couldn't help but wonder about what could have been...

contrasting views

i was walking out our office building when i saw two officemates talking to the side.  i approached them, and was greeted with, "you've lost weight!"

was i surprised.  i told them i was with some other officemates just a few hours earlier and they were telling me i've gained weight.

now, these are officemates i see at around the same frequency.

reminds me of a similar occurrence sometime back.  i was walking at our office grounds when i chanced upon an officemate who told me it was the first time she saw me wearing pants. ("ngayon lang kita nakitang nakapantalon.")

i was like, "huh?!"

although i prefer dresses/skirts, it is not at all unusual for me to wear pants.

within that same week, i was in a meeting where one of the attendees made a remark that i was wearing a dress.  ("uy, naka-dress!")


i went, "but i do wear dresses!"

she said she always sees me in pants.

hmmm...  interesting how different people could have contrasting views about the same person...

before you talk...

i was going to my car when i passed the SUV of one of our office's high-ranking officials.  she slid down her window and i was all ears expecting to hear something work-related.  instead, what i heard was a one-liner about something personal.  (she also happens to be one of the sponsors at my wedding years back.)  i chuckled and replied also with a one-liner about something personal.  suddenly, there were shrieks from the vehicle!  yikes!!!  i did not notice from the heavily tinted windows that her car was full of passengers!  i looked in and recognized two officemates; the rest, however, i could not see.  my ninang drove away laughing and i was left a combination of amused and embarrassed

moral of the story, look before you talk  : }